Protect Yourself!
By Dave Balch, author “Cancer for Two” and founder The
Patient/Partner Project

out of a serious illness.  I’m also going to tell you one of 
the worst things that can come out of a serious illness.  
Guess what?  They’re both the same: friends and family that 
want to help.

The good part is finding out who is willing to step up to 
the plate and help.  Usually a situation like that brings 
out the best in people, and they offer to do whatever it 
takes to help.  We had friends who offered to come and clean 
our house! 

We also had neighbors who volunteered to come over to pick 
up the horse manure.  It is truly heartwarming to see how 
people jump in to help and volunteer their time to do 
whatever you want them to.

The other side of the coin, however, is this: people that 
BEG you for something to do, putting pressure on you to find 
something for THEM to do so THEY will feel better.  In the 
midst of dealing with a serious illness, that’s the last 
thing you need.

I’m going to take that back… the last thing you need, 
actually, is to deal with people who won’t take “no” for an 
answer because they either a), think they know what’s best 
for you or b), NEED to help for their own peace of mind..

Here’s what I say: protect yourself from well-meaning but 
stress-producing people who create stress when trying to 
relieve it.  The ONLY thing that matters is what YOU need 
and want.  Period.  It doesn’t matter if others disagree 
with you, because you know yourself and your situation best. 
 An offer to do something that would thrill one person may 
completely put-off someone else.  Cleaning our house was a 
very generous offer and I’m sure that some people would jump 
at the opportunity, but for it wasn’t for us.  We already 
have a cleaning crew that we’ve been working with for 15 
years and, besides, we don’t want our friends going through 
all of our stuff!

But sometimes it’s hard to say no because you don’t want to 
disappoint people and you don’t want to appear ungrateful.  
Example: an offer to clean your house.  If you say yes, 
though, you will suffer the stress of having help you don’t 
want.  Protect yourself!  Thank them for the offer and then 
suggest something else that they can do instead; something 
that you DO want them to do.  If they decide that their 
original offer is really what you need, even if you say you 
don’t, then stand your ground.  Never accept help that you 
don’t want!

Other times it’s hard to say yes because you are concerned 
that if they do what they offered to do they will regret 
offering it in the first place.  Example: the people who 
offered to help by picking up the horse manure.  Here’s the 
lesson: it’s not your job to protect people from offering to 
do something they don’t really want to do.  And it’s not 
your responsibility if they END UP doing something they 
don’t really want to do.  If they offer to pick up the horse 
manure and I say yes and they hate it… not my problem!

Before I go, I’d like to make a distinction between what we 
need and what we want.  There may be things we need but that 
we don’t want: the stress comes in when people do things for 
you that you don’t want them to do, regardless of whether 
you truly need it or not.  Just because you need something 
does not mean that you are required to want it, so don’t let 
anyone tell you what you need as if it were something that 
you also should want.

The opposite is also true: sometimes you want things you 
don’t truly “need.”  Says who?? If you want something you 
want it, and that’s all that matters.  Example: a meal from 
your favorite restaurant.  It would be a nice treat but you 
don’t truly need it because you have other food in the 
house.  Don’t let anyone poo-poo something just because THEY 
don’t think it necessary.

We are all brought up to believe that it is wrong to be the 
center of attention and that “life isn’t about you.”  I say 
that when you are dealing with a difficult life challenge, 
it IS about you and you should ask for what you want and 
refuse what you don’t.

The bottom line is this: protect yourself from well-meaning 
people.  Do accept and say yes when you want what they 
offer, and say no when you don’t.  Nobody knows what you 
want better than you do, and if they don’t understand that 
then it has to be their problem, not yours.

© 2009, Dave Balch  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Dave Balch gives greater understanding and relieves stress 
and restores hope for those dealing with a serious or 
chronic illness or condition.  He was caregiver for his wife 
during four bouts of breast cancer and has now dedicated his 
life and career to helping others by founding The 
Patient/Partner Project. Resources include a book “Cancer 
for Two,” speaking programs, a DVD about coping strategies, 
and free web services.  Subscribe to his no-cost monthly 
newsletter, “Caring and Coping” at www.CaringAndCoping.com