Ya Gotta Ask
By Dave Balch, author “Cancer for Two” and 
founder The Patient/Partner Project
      
      The e-mail came just yesterday.  A friend had a friend 
that had been trying for 20 years (that’s not a typo… twenty 
years!) to get Permanent Residency status but, due to INS 
paperwork snafus and red tape, had been frustrated in his 
efforts.  The issue was not whether he qualified; the issue
was the paperwork.
      Can you imagine being that frustrated for that long?  
Neither could my friend, so she sent an email to everyone in
her address book asking if anyone knew anyone that could
help.  It sounds pretty unlikely, doesn’t it?  You’d think
there would be a better chance of winning the lottery than 
fixing a government paperwork problem with an e-mail shot 
out into the universe!  Why bother even asking?
      Guess what?  A member of my motorcycle club works for 
the INS, in the same office where the problem has been!  
What are the odds??  I called him and then passed his number 
to her.
      There is a very important lesson in all of this, and 
here it is:  if you want something, no matter how unlikely 
it may seem, ya gotta ask!  My friend could have easily 
thought that it was ridiculous to send out such a message 
because of the overwhelming odds against getting results.  
But she did it anyway.  Ya gotta ask!
      How does this affect you in dealing with your or your 
loved-one’s illness?  Here is an example.  Chris was 
scheduled for a 2:00pm surgery and we were told that she 
couldn’t eat or drink anything after midnight.  It’s 
standard; they tell all their patients that regardless of 
the actual time the surgery is scheduled.  
      That’s a big problem for Chris, as she tends to get 
low blood sugar if she doesn’t eat, which causes her to 
become faint or even to actually faint!  14 hours was 
waaaaaaay too long for her.  Enter Dave (that’s me) who is 
very protective of my patient (aren’t we all?) and I said 
that that wouldn’t work.  I reasoned that ALL surgical 
patients are told not to eat after midnight, so that means 
that if her surgery had been scheduled for 8:00am she would 
have been without food for 8 hours.  If an 8:00am surgery 
required 8 hours of fasting, then a 2:00pm surgery should 
also require 8 hours of fasting which meant that she 
actually had until 6:00am to eat rather than midnight.
      I asked the nurse and she said, “No.  That’s what the 
instructions say and we can’t deviate from the instructions.”
      I pressed on.  “What if the doctor says it’s okay?”
      “Well, then I suppose it would be okay.”
      “Let’s ask the doctor.”
      What do you think the doctor said?  “She only needs to 
fast 8 hours, so as long as she doesn’t eat after 6:00am 
she’ll be okay.”
      Ya gotta ask!
      Why don’t we ask these things?  Here are some reasons: 
assumption (we think we already know the answer), fear of 
appearing foolish or stupid, fear of rejection, and we just 
don’t think to ask!
      What can we do about this?  First we have to adopt a 
new way of thinking, and then we have to get into the habit 
of thinking that way.
      Let me introduce you to “Dave’s Rule of Wrong”. Simple 
yet powerful, you can use this tool to determine whether 
asking is a good idea.  Ironically, the “Rule of Wrong” 
involves asking yourself a question!  “Which would be 
better?  To ‘ask’ and be wrong or to ‘not ask’ and be 
wrong?”
      Which would have been better?  For my friend to ask 
for help for her friend and been wrong (not gotten any 
help), or to not ask for the help and been wrong (in this 
case, someone did know someone that could help; had she not 
asked, she would have been wrong because of the missed 
opportunity)?  It’s pretty clear that there is no harm in 
asking and getting no results, but harm in not asking and 
missing an opportunity.
      Got the idea? 
      Sorry… I had to ask!

© 2009, Dave Balch  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Dave Balch gives greater understanding and relieves stress 
and restores hope for cancer patients and their families.  
He was caregiver for his wife during four bouts of breast 
cancer and has now dedicated his life and career to helping 
others by founding The Patient/Partner Project. Resources 
include a book “Cancer for Two,” speaking programs, a DVD 
about coping strategies, and free web services.  Subscribe 
to his no-cost monthly newsletter, “Caring and Coping” at 
www.CaringAndCoping.com