“It’s the Caregiver’s Job”… Or Is It?
By Dave Balch, author “Cancer for Two” and founder 
The Patient/Partner Project

      During a recent program in Utah, I was talking about 
(as I do in every time I speak) how difficult it was for me 
when people would beg me for something to do to help. (The 
following is transcribed from the recording of the event.)
      I said, “These well-intentioned people were making it 
MY responsibility to find something for THEM to do so THEY 
would feel better.  I had so much to do I really didn’t need 
or want any additional responsibilities.”
      At this point, a woman raised her hand and said, “they 
really DO want to help and they really need to be able to 
help and our basic philosophy of Christian life is to help, 
so it would be nice if you would make a list of the things 
that you want done around the house, pulling weeds, or 
something because [slapping the table on each word for 
emphasis] THEY NEED TO HELP.”
      “I think it’s wonderful that they want to help,” I 
told her, “but when they beg and plead it puts a lot of 
pressure on me.”
      She said, “So, that’s your job! Everybody does what 
they can do for their own selves but for the rest of us, 
well, give us something to do.”
      
      And herein lies the problem. This woman’s intentions 
are wonderful and loving so it’s hard to find fault with 
them, but the discussion became about what SHE (and her 
friends) needed rather than what I needed.  Maybe that 
sounds selfish.  Maybe it IS selfish, but why would she want 
to help if it was stressful for me?  That isn’t helpful.
      She says it is my job to give people things to do.  I 
disagree.  It is NOT my job to fulfill the needs of 
well-meaning people.  As I see it, my job is to minimize the 
stress we are under.  If accepting help causes stress, then 
I’m going to “do my job” and say “no thank you.”
      When people are going through a serious life 
challenge, they and they alone should be the ones who decide 
what they need and what they don’t need.  If people really 
want to be helpful, they will respect our decisions even if 
they think they know better or would handle it differently 
if it were them.  In our case, I was too overwhelmed and 
under too much stress to deal with well-intentioned people 
who wanted to help. For me, it was easier to either do 
things myself or let them go than to have someone else do 
them. 
      For example, suppose someone offered to mow my lawn 
and I accepted.  While they’re out there working maybe I’m 
inside helping my wife, feeling guilty that they are out 
there all alone.  For one thing, I am concerned that they do 
the work the way I want it done. Also, I feel pressure to go 
out there to talk to them or bring them something to drink, 
but I don’t want to spend my limited energy that way.  
      I shouldn’t feel that way, you say?  Maybe, BUT I DO 
and that is for ME to determine.
      I’m not saying that everyone should feel like I do.  
Some people love to have lots of people around all the time 
and for them I say, “Go for it!”  Accept all the help and 
have everyone over to do things for you.  What I’m saying is 
that each person/couple must make their own preferences 
known and their friends and family should respect those 
preferences.
      As we are growing up we are told that “life is not 
always about you, you cannot always be the center of 
attention” and so on.  I agree with that, except during a 
life crisis like serious illness.  Now it IS about me (us), 
and I need to get out of my “people-pleasing” mode and 
protect myself from well-meaning people that make things 
harder as they try to make things easier.
      The bottom line: don’t accept help that you don’t 
want.  Period.  Politely decline the offer, and thank them 
for their thoughtfulness. Stand your ground, because whether 
or not to accept help is your decision and yours alone.  

© 2008, Dave Balch  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Dave Balch gives greater understanding and relieves stress 
and restores hope for cancer patients and their families.  
He was caregiver for his wife during four bouts of breast 
cancer and has now dedicated his life and career to helping 
others by founding The Patient/Partner Project. Resources 
include a book “Cancer for Two,” speaking programs, and free 
web services.  Subscribe to his no-cost monthly newsletter, 
“Caring and Coping” at www.CaringAndCoping.com