The Golden Rule is Wrong
By Dave Balch, author “Cancer for Two” and 
founder The Patient/Partner Project

From a very early age the “Golden Rule” is pounded into our 
heads; “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Or something like that, depending on that part of the world
in which you were raised.

On the surface, it seems like a good principal to live by; 
after all, why treat anyone in a way that you wouldn’t want 
to be treated?

I’ll tell you why.  Because they are different than you are.

Why is this relevant to us; cancer patients and their 
caregivers and families?  It’s relevant because we all 
handle the situation differently and we need to be treated
 the way we want to be treated, not the way that others 
would want to be treated.

I know it’s hard to believe, but my wife and I are somewhat 
introverted and, with the stress of her cancer and 
everything that goes with it, are very easily over-
stimulated which results in tremendous anxiety.  We prefer 
to deal with our situation privately.

Others handle it differently.  They need to talk about it 
with everyone and anyone who will listen.  They like to be 
surrounded by people at all times, and accept all manner of 
help.  They love it when people ask, “How are you?” and are
happy to tell them.

Neither way is “right” or “wrong,” per se, because everyone
has to deal with the situation in the way they are most 
comfortable.

The problem comes when the outgoing people (the extroverts)
try to help the introverted folks like us.  They call too 
often, they want to come over to visit, they want to help 
in ways that are way outside our comfort zone (like cleaning
our house), and often insist on doing these things.  Why 
would they act this way?  Because, subconsciously, they 
would want these things if they were in our shoes. 

As I speak around the country I hear all sorts of horror 
stories about well-meaning people who offer to help and 
won’t take “no” for an answer because they think they know 
what’s best for us.  The result; extra stress on the 
patients because the extroverts are being too aggressive.

The opposite can also be true.  The introverts would tend 
to leave the extroverted patients alone in order to give them
the privacy that they would want.  The result: extra stress 
on the patients, who feel like the introverts don’t care. 

Let’s change the Golden Rule.  Instead of “Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you,” let’s try “Do unto others
as they would do unto themselves.”  In other words, treat 
people the way they want to be treated, not the way you 
would want to be treated.

This presents a new challenge, however: how do we know what 
others would “do unto themselves” or, more importantly in 
this context, how will others know what we would “do unto 
our own selves?”

The answer is simple; we have to ask and we have to tell.

I believe that it is our responsibility to “educate” our own 
friends and family about how we want/need to be treated 
during this difficult time.  If you don’t like the way 
people are treating you, then you have to do something about 
it and “train” them as to how you want to be treated.  They 
do have your best interests at heart, so they should be 
receptive.  If they’re not, you have to either ignore them 
or avoid them.  It’s not easy, but then nothing about cancer
is easy, is it?

It is also our responsibility to ask others how THEY want 
to be treated by US.

Let’s get on the same page with our friends and family.  It 
can only lead to lower stress for everyone.

© 2008, Dave Balch  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Dave Balch gives greater understanding and relieves stress 
and restores hope for cancer patients and their families.  
He was caregiver for his wife during four bouts of breast 
cancer and has now dedicated his life and career to helping 
others by founding The Patient/Partner Project. Resources 
include a book “Cancer for Two,” speaking programs, and free
web services.  Subscribe to his no-cost monthly newsletter,
“Caring and Coping” at www.CaringAndCoping.com