Cancer and the Holidays
By Dave Balch, author “Cancer for Two” and 
founder The Patient/Partner Project

Everyone has stress during the holidays, and it’s no different
for cancer patients and their families.

Wait a minute… it IS different for cancer patients and their 
families:  it is MORE stressful!

In our situation, Chris (my wife) has the majority of her
Treatment behind her and we are down to one infusion every month
and daily doses of an oral chemotherapy drug to keep her brain 
metastasis in check.  Life is pretty much normal, except for 
occasional bouts of fatigue.

Why then do we have MORE stress than others if everything is 
Going so well?  I can pretty much narrow it down to two 
categories: energy and social.  Let me explain.

Part of the holidays for everyone is all of the parties and 
Other celebrations.  Several friends’ parties, a party for her 
Woman’s Club, another for my motorcycle club.  Then there are the
family get-togethers… we just don’t have the energy for all of 
them.
 
The first challenge we face with all of these invitations is 
finding the energy to go.  Both of us are pretty limited in 
terms of energy, and we just can’t do everything we’d like to 
do. Yet we feel we will be letting people down if we say no, and 
the last thing we want to do is disappoint the people that care 
enough to invite us to their parties.

Then, when we do go to an event, everyone wants to talk about 
cancer.  There is the inevitable cocked head and expression of 
deep concern, “How ARE you?”  At one meeting of her club she 
tried to head that one off by standing in front of the group 
and telling them that everything was going well and they 
shouldn’t worry about her.  Afterwards, several of the women 
came up to her and said (with the same cocked head and 
expression of deep concern), “How are you, REALLY?”

They also want to tell us about their friends and relatives that 
have/had cancer, the latest cancer treatments, an article that 
they saw, etc.

There seems to be no getting around it; people want to talk 
about it.  We don’t.  Chris is sick of being sick, sick of 
thinking about it, and sick of talking about it.  She just wants
to be normal. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to be throwing people under the 
bus.  These are well-meaning people that care about us; it’s just
that they don’t understand the pressure that their questions 
create.  It is very stressful to tell the same stories, explain 
the drugs and treatments, and listen to their stories and 
“advice” over and over again. 

So what can we do about these things?  Take care of yourself 
first, and protect yourself from stress.  Here are some ideas:

1. Budget your energy.  You only have limited energy and you 
just can’t do everything.  It isn‘t so much a question of want,
but rather a question of priorities.  It is your responsibility 
to prioritize things so you don’t overdo it.  After all, doing 
too much could affect your treatments or condition.  Yes, you may
disappoint some people but they will just have to understand.  
If they don’t, that’s unfortunate but just too bad.  You have to
do what’s best for you, especially now.

2. Compromise.  For example, accept an invitation and tell your 
host that you really want to come but don’t have much energy so 
you can only stay for an hour or so.  You may discover that you 
are doing fine and can stay longer.  If so, great!  (Don’t 
forget that the total energy you expend going to a party includes
getting ready to go and getting there and back!)

3. If you don’t want to talk about cancer, don’t!  It’s really as
simple as that.  When someone asks you about it, just say 
something polite but firm such as, “I’m doing fine.  Thank you 
for asking but, frankly, I’m sick of talking about it so let’s 
talk about something else: tell me about your new job.” Does that
seem rude?  Maybe, but not so much if you say it nicely.  Again, 
you have to protect yourself, and that includes avoiding 
stressful conversations. 

We really do have the power to protect ourselves, but we get hung
up on other people’s feelings.  Now is your time to take care of 
yourself, so do what you have to do.  As long as you do it 
politely, people will understand.

Happy holidays!


Dave Balch relieves stress and restores hope for cancer patients and 
their families.  He was caregiver for his wife during four bouts of 
breast cancer and has now dedicated his life and career to helping 
others by founding The Patient/Partner Project. Resources include a 
book “Cancer for Two,” speaking programs, and free web services. 
Subscribe to his no-cost monthly newsletter, “Caring and Coping” 
at www.CaringAndCoping.com 
© 2007, Dave Balch  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED