As caregiver, for my wife, I fielded all of the calls from friends and family who wanted to help. They typically would ask what they could do to help, or should I say "begged for something to do." I thought it was very caring and generous of them, but it got to the point that they were making it MY responsibility to find something for THEM to do so THEY would feel better.

 

I was so overwhelmed with the situation that I simply couldn't deal with the extra pressure, so I told them there was nothing they could do. I just wanted them to stop asking! Maybe others would react differently and that's fine, but this was how I needed to deal with the pressure.
 
I recently mentioned this during a presentation in Utah and a woman in the audience raised her hand and interrupted me.
 
"In our community we NEED to help. You can't tell us not to help or that you don't have anything for us to do; you HAVE to find something because we NEED to help; it's the way we were brought up."
 
If you are dealing with this sort of "help," it's a difficult spot to be in.  On one hand, if you say "yes" you are stressed because you have to deal with the person who is helping, tell/show them what to do, etc. If you say "no," however, you are denying them the pleasure of helping you. 
 
Here's my take on it; this situation is not about them and their needs, it's about you and your needs. If you find that their help will cause more stress than it will save, that is your call and others should respect it.  The last thing you need is more pressure and stress regardless of where it is coming from.
 
Back to my presentation: everyone in the room was stunned and a little amused. I wasn't quite sure what to say, but here goes...
 
I understand that you need to help; you need to help because you are kind, caring, and giving people who are generous with your time and caring of your friends and neighbors.
 
But...
 
This situation isn't about your needs, it's about the patient/caregiver's needs. It's really a shame that your good intentions can not be accepted and that you will be frustrated and stressed at not having the opportunity to help. But if help is accepted that is not wanted, then it is the patient/caregiver that will be frustrated and stressed; given that choice, I'm afraid that you're holding the short stick.  After all, would you want to help in your way even if it was difficult for the people you were helping?
 
If your answer is yes, I think you need to re-think your priorities.